Jack the Versatile Blogger

I didn’t win the Cosmo Blog Awards. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Who wants recognition from a glossy magazine with a worldwide audience and enormous circulation? Not me. I don’t need it because I’ve just received the Versatile Blogger Award for my main Perking the Pansies blog.

A big thank you to Kate at UKate for nominating me. I humbly accept. Yankee Kate writes about being clueless in Blighty, trying to get to grips with all things British. God, help her. We're a funny lot. Curiously, Kate only seems to live in places beginning with the letter T, moving from Texas to Toronto to Trowbridge (where next, Timbuktu?). Kate’s moved to the Sceptred Isle for love. Aah, bless! I congratulate her on her forthcoming nuptials.

The award comes with conditions. Recipients must formally accept the award with a post featuring the award’s image, reveal seven quirky things about themselves and pass the baton onto 5-15 other bloggers to do the same.

I’m really quirky because:

• I used to have long curly hair and looked like Marc Bolan. People always assumed it was a perm. It wasn’t.
• I got scarred for life in the Far East. I caught my thigh on the wheel of an out of control home-made go cart as it careered into a monsoon drain. See, I was a proper rough boy.
• I’ve never slept with a member of the fairer sex. I got as far as heavy petting with Sheila B (not the Sheila B) and realised the whole thing wasn’t for me. Thank you, Sheila. You changed my life.
• I have size five feet. You know what small feet mean don’t you? Small shoes.
• At seventeen, I had a 26 inch waist, wore luminous green loon pants and 5 inch platform shoes. The seventies really was the decade that fashion forgot.
• At 10, I was the junior champion diver of both Hounslow and Wandsworth in London (we moved in between) and came eighth in the Surrey Diving Championship. I used to be a contender until I discovered hormones and Playgirl.
• I am a serial monogamist. For the last 32 years I have been partner-less for only 18 months. Who says gay men can’t manage a second date? Either I’m a really good catch or just terrified of being alone (or both).
• A snotty sales assistant at Harrods tried to get my parents to kit me out in an oversized blazer for my snotty school because he thought they were too poor to buy me a new one each year. Bloody cheek!

Now to my victims. Drawn across three continents, the roll of dishonour is (in no particular order):

• Archers of Oçuklar
• Bitten by Spain
• Staying Sane in Spain
• Being Koy
• Petchary’s Blog
• In Search of a Life Less Ordinary
• Pul Biber
• Istanbul Stranger
• Ayak’s Turkish Delight
• Helen’s European Journey
• Slowly by Slowly
• Adventure’s in Expatland
• Turkey with Stuffins’ Blog
• Adventures in Ankara
• Lick the Fridge
• Talking Turkey

I know there are 16 blogs listed but, like a typical Libran, I couldn't make up my mind and they're all a good read. Anyway, I've been breaking the rules since dropping out of the womb singing I am what I am. I feel a camp little clip coming on.

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Dear Old Blighty

Books for the Weekend

Anyone who’s poured their heart and soul into writing a book will know what a nerve-racking experience it is. Months, sometimes years, in gestation then the bloody thing is born and sent out into a cruel, unforgiving world to sink or swim. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Booker prize contender or a scribe on the Mills and Boon production line, your labour of love will have you biting your nails until they bleed. I know. Mine are already bruised and bloodied.

There are two new books with an expat twist that have caught my fancy recently. They are both strong and confident swimmers.

Sunshine Soup

 

Jo Parfitt runs Summertime Publishing, the company that is publishing Perking the Pansies. I’m in safe hands. Jo is an accomplished and successful author, mentor, journalist and publisher with 27 books and hundreds of articles under her belt. Jo has just released her debut novel, Sunshine Soup. Meet Maya, wife, mother of two and owner of a successful deli. She’s whisked away from her friends and a job she adores, to an uncertain life as an expat wife in Dubai. Next, transplant Maya into a fabulous new house, throw in an obsequious maid, send the teenage boys to school and the husband to work, add a potent mix of expat women and stir. What happens next is a colourful and poignant story of a woman who gradually grows into her strange new life but faces some difficult choices and uncomfortable questions along the way. Maya’s friendship with Barb, a colourful, experienced and seemingly confident expat wife, is a fascinating development. Things are not quite what they seem.

Sunshine Soup is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

A Tight Wide-open Space

Once in a while a chance encounter with a stranger can change things forever. My happy happenstance was crashing into Liam one wintry afternoon after work in a pub called 'A Tight Wide-open Space'. Matt Krause, a mighty Yankee vetpat from California has recently released A Tight Wide-open Space that tells the touching tale of his own chance meeting that led to love and a journey across an ocean to follow his heart. The story is much more than a boy-meets-girl penny romance, as sweet as that is. It’s also about his struggle to adapt to the strange ways of a strange faraway land. We can all identify with that one.

If you’d like to know more, take a look at Matt’s website. A Tight Wide-open Space is available in paperback or kindle at Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk

Jack Scott

The Dorothy Dollar and the Pink Pound

When I was in negotiation with my publisher, Jo Parfitt, she asked me if Perking the Pansies, the book, would attract a wider audience beyond a gay niche. It’s a question I’d asked of myself. It’s not a bad niche to be stuck in. By some accounts the pink pound is worth about £6 billion in the UK and the US equivalent (the dorothy dollar) is reckoned to be worth a staggering $640 billion. Even if this is an exaggeration in these recessionary times, it’s still big bucks.

The more I thought about it the more I realised that neither the book nor the blog are actually about gay life in Turkey, rather they are about a gay couple living in Turkey. This is an important distinction. I did a little digging about my blog readership. It turned out that my pansy fans are overwhelmingly British, female (about 70%) and over 45 (around 80%). Even though the blog is occasionally a bit naughty and gay boy about town, this hasn’t put off the straight reader. This may be because gay culture is much more mainstream in Britain than elsewhere. The gay scene has emerged from the dark ghetto on the wrong side of the tracks and gone very high street (or Main Street as they say on the other side of the pond), the Daily Mail has stopped being routinely beastly and the tea-time TV choices for British women of a certain age are Graham Norton and Paul O’Grady (neither of whom hide their flashing pink light under a bushel).

What do you think?


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Happy Birthday, Perking the Pansies

When Liam and I came to Turkey, we intended to retire early, put our feet up and watch the pansies grow. With a ridiculous amount of spare time on my hands, I decided to amuse myself by starting a blog. Maybe it would delay my inevitable descent into alcoholism? At the time, I assumed I would end up talking to myself.  Twelve months, 400 posts, 2000 comments, 6,000 spams and 120,000 hits later, Perking the Pansies has just reached its first birthday. To celebrate this minor miracle I’d like to share what I think are some of the major milestones (Pansysteps).

08/10/2010 - In the Beginning

Perking the Pansies was launched onto an unsuspecting public. God help them. I knew nothing about this blogging business, how it worked or what would happen. This was my debut post.

24/11/2010 - Are You Mad?

I knew something was up when the blog exceeded 12,000 hits. Shit, someone was actual reading my inconsequential, irreverent ramblings. I started to understand blog promotion and search-engine optimisation, joined Faceache and that tweet, tweety thingy to build a virtual social network. Well, it beats actually talking to people.

04/12/2010 - Clapped in Irons

My blog was banned by the Turkish Internet police just as it was taking off. I was expecting a knock at the door by a scandalised conscript in latex gloves, demanding to conduct an internal investigation. I nearly gave the whole thing up in despair.

10/12/2010 - Pooing on a Paddle

After a frantic, fretful week, Perking the Pansies shut up shop at Google and moved lock, stock and barrel to begin life anew at brand new Wordpress premises. Fear of imminent arrest subsided. This naughty little number was my first post on the revamped, re-launched site.

14/03/2011 - Hold the Front Page

Perking the Pansies was featured in the Turkish national press along with a select group of illustrious fellow jobbing bloggers.

01/04/2011 - Bubba’s Gobbler

Perking the Pansies reached 50,000 hits. This was my April Fools' piece. It was partly inspired by thumbing through the gaypers in a Soho watering hole.

06/04/2011 - Perking the Pansies - Bound and Ungagged

The blog has spawned a little book which is about to go off to the publisher. The book covers some of same terrain as the blog but with much more spice, bite, depth, pace and pathos (Well, I hope so).

10/05/2011 - So You Think You Can Write a Pop Song?

This was the first mega post attracting big numbers. Pansies were bursting out all over the place. My pansymap ended up resembling a nuclear attack on Western Europe and North America. All very Cold War.

24/07/2011 - Amy Winehouse, RIP

This is by far my most popular post, 4,600 and still growing. I think it just caught the mood. It also caught the attention of some wanker who left a vile comment. It's the only comment I have ever censored.

17/08/2011 - I’m Coming Out

Perking the Pansies reached 100,000 hits and I exposed myself to the world. No, I didn't get arrested or receive a congratulatory brick through my window.

Many happy returns, Perking the Pansies. Make a wish and hope you make it to the terrible twos.

Jamey Roddemeyer, RIP

I came across this sweet video of Jamey Rodemeyer, a young American boy struggling with his sexuality. Despite vicious and relentless bullying at school, he had the strength of character to send a message of hope to all young people everywhere who are grappling to understand who they are and to make sense of their feelings. He called his message 'It Gets Better, I promise'.



Unfortunately it didn't get better for Jamey. On Sunday 18^th of September, he committed suicide. He was just 14. No one will ever really know why he took his own life. The internet abounds with conspiracy theories (as usual). What we do know is that he was gay and brutalised by his class mates. Nobody stopped them.

I know how lucky I am. I have a charmed life. I have always had the support of my family and have always felt loved. I am one of the lucky few. I know Blighty isn't perfect. I know some people harbour dark views. I know some children are bullied. But I'm glad I grew up in a country that is genuinely free, a civilised little island where political correctness has gone mad, according to the more reactionary among us.  Well, tough. I’m glad it’s not okay to say paki, nigger, queer or spastic. I’m glad people have to watch what they say and what they do. I’m glad bigotry has consequences. That’s why people died fighting Hitler. Lest we forget.

Take a look at:


Stand Up and Be Counted

Steve Jobs, RIP

Apple technology is not the best or always the most innovative but it is undeniably iconic with real feel appeal. Steve Jones was a genius but also a philosopher. ‘Nobody wants to die,’ he said. ‘Even those who want to go to Heaven, don’t want to die to get there.’ He knew better than most that death is the final destination for all of us. ‘Never settle,’ he said. That’s why Liam and I are in Turkey.

More on Perking the Pansies

Jack the Hack

Now that Rupert Murdoch and his progeny have hit the skids (and not before time), I’ve decided to become the next big thing in the newspaper business. I now publish my very own daily online newspaper called Jack the Hack. Now, before you start thinking that I’m turning in to a megalomaniac media mogul, spending all day at the keyboard and denying Liam his conjugal rights, I don’t actually do a thing. I found a snappy little app called paper.li that automatically garners articles from Twitter by combining my tweets with lists I follow and keywords I’ve specified. Ok, I know it's all a bit random but it's fun and it’s so easy. I don’t intend to go the way of Maxwell, Black, Murdoch and co, but I do see a gap in the market now the News of the Screws has kicked the bucket.

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Bodrum, Bodrum, So Good They Named it Twice

Post Ramazan was carnival time in old Bodrum Town. Sadly we missed most of it because of an extended visit to Blighty and La Belle France to celebrate the half centuries of my two oldest friends. The inaugural festival adopted the slogan Bodrum on the Streets, and included a choice selection of international artists, musicians and street performers, all milling around the streets of central Bodrum and adding a splash of colour to the busy, buzzy town. Each evening, the cornucopia of culture culminated in an on-stage performance in Castle Square. Good-humoured, generous crowds were serenaded on sultry evenings by an eclectic mix of music – from classical to rock, jazz to hip hop. The artistic extravaganza stretched over five nights. We caught day four which began with a small parade of painted performers as they bopped and danced, sauntered and strutted their stuff along the promenade. Hey, it wasn’t Rio but it was fun nonetheless.

We followed the procession towards the main mosque and happened upon a small band of barefooted Turkish musicians, pouring out some great jazz. Locals and tourists alike, clapped along, whistled and applauded; ballooned and candy-flossed kids danced around the band, clearly having a ball.

We made our way to Castle Square and managed to squeeze onto a crowded table at a restaurant along the side of the sardine-packed piazza. We settled down to soak up the party spirit and to watch the free concert with a glass or three of red. The headline act was Oojami. We’d never heard of them and had no idea what to expect. The leader of the group, Necmi Cavli, is a native of Bodrum who now lives in London. They were amazing, melding traditional Turkish folk riffs, Irish fiddler’s reels, rock rhythms, rap and exotic belly dancing to create an extravagant whirling Dervish of sight and sound. It may sound like a dissonant mess to some but it was powerful and hugely hypnotic.

 

Regrettably, we weren’t around for the final day and a finale that featured a performance by three of Bodrum’s favourite sons, MFÖ. They brought down the house with their most famous song, Bodrum, Bodrum. Not heard it?

 

 

The Festival was a great success and rightly so. Plans are afoot to make the festival an annual fixture to promote a modern, progressive, cross-cultural and non-jingoistic image for the town. Şerefe to that.

More on Perking the Pansies, a comical narrative of expat life.