Jack the Versatile Blogger

I didn’t win the Cosmo Blog Awards. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Who wants recognition from a glossy magazine with a worldwide audience and enormous circulation? Not me. I don’t need it because I’ve just received the Versatile Blogger Award for my main Perking the Pansies blog.

A big thank you to Kate at UKate for nominating me. I humbly accept. Yankee Kate writes about being clueless in Blighty, trying to get to grips with all things British. God, help her. We're a funny lot. Curiously, Kate only seems to live in places beginning with the letter T, moving from Texas to Toronto to Trowbridge (where next, Timbuktu?). Kate’s moved to the Sceptred Isle for love. Aah, bless! I congratulate her on her forthcoming nuptials.

The award comes with conditions. Recipients must formally accept the award with a post featuring the award’s image, reveal seven quirky things about themselves and pass the baton onto 5-15 other bloggers to do the same.

I’m really quirky because:

• I used to have long curly hair and looked like Marc Bolan. People always assumed it was a perm. It wasn’t.
• I got scarred for life in the Far East. I caught my thigh on the wheel of an out of control home-made go cart as it careered into a monsoon drain. See, I was a proper rough boy.
• I’ve never slept with a member of the fairer sex. I got as far as heavy petting with Sheila B (not the Sheila B) and realised the whole thing wasn’t for me. Thank you, Sheila. You changed my life.
• I have size five feet. You know what small feet mean don’t you? Small shoes.
• At seventeen, I had a 26 inch waist, wore luminous green loon pants and 5 inch platform shoes. The seventies really was the decade that fashion forgot.
• At 10, I was the junior champion diver of both Hounslow and Wandsworth in London (we moved in between) and came eighth in the Surrey Diving Championship. I used to be a contender until I discovered hormones and Playgirl.
• I am a serial monogamist. For the last 32 years I have been partner-less for only 18 months. Who says gay men can’t manage a second date? Either I’m a really good catch or just terrified of being alone (or both).
• A snotty sales assistant at Harrods tried to get my parents to kit me out in an oversized blazer for my snotty school because he thought they were too poor to buy me a new one each year. Bloody cheek!

Now to my victims. Drawn across three continents, the roll of dishonour is (in no particular order):

• Archers of Oçuklar
• Bitten by Spain
• Staying Sane in Spain
• Being Koy
• Petchary’s Blog
• In Search of a Life Less Ordinary
• Pul Biber
• Istanbul Stranger
• Ayak’s Turkish Delight
• Helen’s European Journey
• Slowly by Slowly
• Adventure’s in Expatland
• Turkey with Stuffins’ Blog
• Adventures in Ankara
• Lick the Fridge
• Talking Turkey

I know there are 16 blogs listed but, like a typical Libran, I couldn't make up my mind and they're all a good read. Anyway, I've been breaking the rules since dropping out of the womb singing I am what I am. I feel a camp little clip coming on.

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Say What You See

Dear Old Blighty

Happy Birthday, Perking the Pansies

When Liam and I came to Turkey, we intended to retire early, put our feet up and watch the pansies grow. With a ridiculous amount of spare time on my hands, I decided to amuse myself by starting a blog. Maybe it would delay my inevitable descent into alcoholism? At the time, I assumed I would end up talking to myself.  Twelve months, 400 posts, 2000 comments, 6,000 spams and 120,000 hits later, Perking the Pansies has just reached its first birthday. To celebrate this minor miracle I’d like to share what I think are some of the major milestones (Pansysteps).

08/10/2010 - In the Beginning

Perking the Pansies was launched onto an unsuspecting public. God help them. I knew nothing about this blogging business, how it worked or what would happen. This was my debut post.

24/11/2010 - Are You Mad?

I knew something was up when the blog exceeded 12,000 hits. Shit, someone was actual reading my inconsequential, irreverent ramblings. I started to understand blog promotion and search-engine optimisation, joined Faceache and that tweet, tweety thingy to build a virtual social network. Well, it beats actually talking to people.

04/12/2010 - Clapped in Irons

My blog was banned by the Turkish Internet police just as it was taking off. I was expecting a knock at the door by a scandalised conscript in latex gloves, demanding to conduct an internal investigation. I nearly gave the whole thing up in despair.

10/12/2010 - Pooing on a Paddle

After a frantic, fretful week, Perking the Pansies shut up shop at Google and moved lock, stock and barrel to begin life anew at brand new Wordpress premises. Fear of imminent arrest subsided. This naughty little number was my first post on the revamped, re-launched site.

14/03/2011 - Hold the Front Page

Perking the Pansies was featured in the Turkish national press along with a select group of illustrious fellow jobbing bloggers.

01/04/2011 - Bubba’s Gobbler

Perking the Pansies reached 50,000 hits. This was my April Fools' piece. It was partly inspired by thumbing through the gaypers in a Soho watering hole.

06/04/2011 - Perking the Pansies - Bound and Ungagged

The blog has spawned a little book which is about to go off to the publisher. The book covers some of same terrain as the blog but with much more spice, bite, depth, pace and pathos (Well, I hope so).

10/05/2011 - So You Think You Can Write a Pop Song?

This was the first mega post attracting big numbers. Pansies were bursting out all over the place. My pansymap ended up resembling a nuclear attack on Western Europe and North America. All very Cold War.

24/07/2011 - Amy Winehouse, RIP

This is by far my most popular post, 4,600 and still growing. I think it just caught the mood. It also caught the attention of some wanker who left a vile comment. It's the only comment I have ever censored.

17/08/2011 - I’m Coming Out

Perking the Pansies reached 100,000 hits and I exposed myself to the world. No, I didn't get arrested or receive a congratulatory brick through my window.

Many happy returns, Perking the Pansies. Make a wish and hope you make it to the terrible twos.

Jack the Hack

Now that Rupert Murdoch and his progeny have hit the skids (and not before time), I’ve decided to become the next big thing in the newspaper business. I now publish my very own daily online newspaper called Jack the Hack. Now, before you start thinking that I’m turning in to a megalomaniac media mogul, spending all day at the keyboard and denying Liam his conjugal rights, I don’t actually do a thing. I found a snappy little app called paper.li that automatically garners articles from Twitter by combining my tweets with lists I follow and keywords I’ve specified. Ok, I know it's all a bit random but it's fun and it’s so easy. I don’t intend to go the way of Maxwell, Black, Murdoch and co, but I do see a gap in the market now the News of the Screws has kicked the bucket.

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Jack the Hack
News of the World, RIP

Letter to America

I’m forever amazed at the growing popularity of Perking the Pansies across the pond. My inconsequential witterings tell the tale of two middle-aged gay men in a faraway Moslem land written in a peculiarly British carry on style laced with low wit and attempted irony. Let’s face it it’s a minority sport. I’ve published the odd piece about my visits of yesteryear to the Land of the Free but beyond that I can’t see the appeal. So who are you my Yankee pansy fans? Are you mainly expat Brits living in America or genuine Yankee doodle dandies attracted to the semi-gay theme in a fag frat pack sort of way? Does the expat perspective resonate for global nomads wherever they are? Perhaps you just like it because it’s funny or well-observed (or both or neither). Or maybe you’re just waiting for us to be clapped in irons for outraging public morals, or worse (as would happen in some other Moslem countries).

You may have read that I’m writing a book that’s due out at Christmas. God knows I'm been banging on about it enough. It’s the best of the blog and mixed with the same ingredients but tells our emigrey tale with extra spice and more depth. I doubt it’ll make my fortune but I’d like it to do well. Of course, I’d love it to fly off the shelves. The trouble is I don’t know what American shelves it might fly off from. I’d really like to know why you read my inane and irreverent ramblings. If you have the time and the inclination please leave a comment on this post, add a few words to my Faceache page or drop me a line at jackscott.bodrum@gmail.com. I’m not fishing for complements (though all will be gratefully received). If you have any marketing tips I’d like to hear about these too.

If you like this then you’ll love these:

• Happy Birthday America
• American Idol
• Yankee Pranks
• Gay Marriage in New York
• Perking the Pansies - the Book

Welcome to Pansyland

I completed the Ultimate Blog Challenge which was to post every day during July. I blog daily on my main Perking the Pansies site anyway so it wasn't much of a challenge to be honest. Well done to everyone who participated. A pat on the back from Jack to one and all. I came across a couple of interesting sites and may have picked up a few extra pansy fans along the way. It's difficult to be certain about numbers as my posts on Amy Winehouse and Gay Marriage sent my hits through the roof - 4,500 for these two posts alone. The Amy Winehouse piece was so successful that I'm thinking of concentrating on obituaries from now on and will be scouring the pages of the London Times for the recently deceased. The posts also attracted some great comments. However, there was one that I didn't publish. Some sicko wrote something truly vile about Ms Winehouse. I trashed it. I can do that. It's my site. Hopefully one or two of these  pansy novices liked what they read and will come back for more. Not the sicko, though. He's not welcome in Pansyland.

Global Village

Requests for me to contribute to other websites are like London buses. There’s nothing for months then two come along at once. First it was a guest post for Turkish Muse while Barbara, the author, spends a romantic few days in the city of lovers with her husband. This time it's it’s my interview for The Displaced Nation, a website dedicated to exploring why people become global residents. It's a stomping good read but then I would say that, wouldn't I?

More as usual on Perking the Pansies

Ultimate Blog Challenge

I've just joined the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have to post every day on Perking the Pansies for the whole of July. Well, I post every day anyway so where's the challenge?

Alice's Bucket List

It takes a lot to make this cynical old queen cry. Okay, I confess. It doesn’t. I cry at sentimental films cleverly contrived to elicit an instant emotional response. I cry when Karen (Emma Thompson) realises that her husband Harry (Alan Rickman) is having an affair in Love Actually. I weep when Mary (Joan Plowright) and Arabella (Judi Dench) wave farewell to Luca (Baird Wallace) in Tea with Mussolini. I am inconsolable when Ste (Scott Neal) and Jamie (Glen Berry) run through the forest to the soundtrack of Make Your Own Kind of Music by the Mamas and Papas in Beautiful Thing. It’s an acting thing and it gets me every time.

Alice Pyne is not acting. Alice has cancer and she has a blog. She writes:

‘Hi, I'm 15 years old and live with my parents and sister in Ulverston. I've been fighting cancer for almost 4 years and now I know that the cancer is gaining on me and it doesn't look like I'm going to win this one :( I'm hoping to write in here as much as I can and I'm also going to show my bucket list which I'm trying to get done before I have to go. Hopefully, I'll update as I tick each one off the list :)’ Alice's Bucket List


I began to read Alice’s wish list out loud to my partner Liam. I had to stop half way through. It was all too much. Her courage astounds and humbles me. It should humble us all. Alice has restored my faith in humanity. Thank you Alice.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Pansies on the Go

Google Blogger has just released a new mobile phone version of the Perking the Pansies Showcase which makes following the Showcase on the go a breeze.

Perking the Pansies Bound and Ungagged

I love writing Perking the Pansies. It keeps me off the streets and on the straight and narrow (to coin an ironic phrase). I’m truly grateful for all the kind words of encouragement I receive from readers across the globe. I don’t always have the time to respond to each one but I am cheered by them. Thank you.

Alongside the blog I’ve been writing a literary version of Perking the Pansies with added drama and spice, warts and all. It's altogether a more daring exposé of everyday expat life in Turkey and the events that shaped our world. With a lot of luck and a fair wind it may one day get published. I don’t expect to make my fortune but it would be gratifying to see someone lounging and laughing round a shimmering infinity pool, G&T in one hand, Perking the Pansies in the other.

It’s five years since Liam and I first met. Our rollercoaster life is simply the best as Tina Turner famously sang. In tribute to Liam I’m releasing a small snippet of the book which describes the manner of our meeting. It's still a work in progress but I hope you like it.

Chapter_Five.pdf Download this file

It's a PDF file. If you don't have a reader you can get one here.

Perking the Pansies has attracted quite a bit of media interest so I decided to launch my own website as I try to launch my career as a freelance writer. You can find it here.

Perking the Pansies Has Moved

When the Turkish authorities banned Google blogs I had to shut up shop and move to brand new premises at Wordpress. Find it here

My Google blog has now been rebranded as Perking the Pansies Showcase featuring selected posts from perkingthepansies.com and articles from other websites that have published my work.